Disagreeing with Scripture Doesn’t Mean We Can Disregard It
The Bible talks about how husbands and wives should treat each other. What bothers some people is that wives receive one instruction, while husbands receive a different one.
This doesn’t seem fair. It’s not balanced. Yet it is wise—and biblical.
Submit to One Another
What seems to cause the most consternation among women is the command for wives to submit to their husbands.
But just because the instruction irritates them, doesn’t mean they should dismiss it or ridicule the Bible for being out of touch. It’s also important to look at this idea of submission in context.
Paul opens this passage with the general command to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21-33). Everyone is to submit in a God-honoring way.
With this as our foundational premise, Paul then says for wives to submit to their own husbands, as to the Lord. First, he tells everyone to submit, and then he adds an emphasis for wives, as if saying, “Yes, wives too. Submit to your husbands.”
Note that this isn’t saying that women must submit to all men. It’s saying that each wife must submit to her own husband.
Then Paul explains his rationale. Just as Jesus is the head of the church and the church submits to him, husbands are the head of the marriage and wives submit to their husbands. It’s a hierarchy.
You can’t have two heads. If two people think they’re in charge, the result is disarray. There can only be one leader.
Extending the comparison, we see that Jesus willingly died for his church. In the same way, a husband should willingly die for his wife—figuratively and, if needed, physically. This shows that headship carries a responsibility, which can be a weighty one.
Love One Another
The Bible says we’re to love one another. The command to love one another is given more often than any of the other one another instructions of right behavior. Jesus, Paul, Peter, and John all give this instruction to love one another. It’s that important.
After telling wives to submit to their husbands, Paul then turns his attention to the guys. He tells husbands, love your wives, just as Jesus loved us.
It’s as if he wants to make sure they realize that the love one another command applies to them loving their wives too—especially their wives. Paul feels men need this reminder.
While Paul’s brief instruction for wives to submit to their husbands is three verses long, Paul’s instruction for husbands to love their wives is nine verses, three times longer.
In his discourse, Paul continually connects a husband’s love for his wife with Jesus’s love for his church, which is his bride (Revelation 21:1-2).
Here are some of the concepts that husbands can derive from Jesus’s example. Give yourself for her. Make her holy. Cleanse her through the word. Love her as your own body. Leave your parents to be with her. Become one flesh.
After all this talk about husbands loving their wives, Paul tacks on another instruction to wives. He says wives must respect their husbands. This suggests that Paul sees respect of a wife towards her husband as the result of the husband’s love toward her.
Show Proper Respect
Speaking of respect, Peter says we’re to show proper respect for everyone. This includes family, God, and government authorities (1 Peter 2:17).
Paul likewise repeats this concept of respect when he tells the Romans to be devoted to one another and honor one another above themselves (Romans 12:10).
After talking about respect, Peter later gives his own instructions for husbands and wives (1 Peter 3:1-7). While Paul was a bachelor, Peter was married.
Yet both tell wives to submit to their husbands. They both agree in this matter, providing two witnesses, which adds validity and weight to their instruction.
If the husband isn’t a believer, he may be won over by his wife’s behavior.
This means that wives live pure and reverent lives. Instead of focusing on outward beauty, wives should focus on their inner self, having a gentle and quiet spirit. They should follow the example of holy women in the past, just like Sarah regarded Abraham.
By extension, we can infer that if the husband is a believer, his wife’s behavior can encourage him in his faith. Conversely, her bad behavior could discourage him.
After giving these instructions to wives, Peter turns its attention to husbands. He tells men to be considerate of their wives and treat them with respect. If they fail in this manner, it will hinder their prayers. This is a heavy matter.
In all this, we see that wives should submit to their husbands, husbands should love their wives, and both must give respect to the other.
Address Your Own Obedience Before Looking at Your Spouse
I can hear everyone’s complaints about this teaching. Husbands say it would be easier to love their wives if they submitted. While wives say it would be easier to submit if their husbands loved them. And both feel they deserve more respect.
But instead of focusing on what our spouses aren’t doing, let’s turn our focus inward. We have no control over how they treat us. But we have complete control over how we treat them.
These commands to submit and to love are not conditional. It doesn’t say wives submit to your husbands if they love you. It doesn’t say husbands love your wife if they submit to you.
It just tells wives to submit to their husbands and husbands to love their wives, which Paul also covers in this letter to the Colossians (Colossians 3:18-19).
Therefore, husbands should focus on loving their wives as Christ loved us. How she responds is up to her and should have no bearing on your love toward her. This is not a romantic love, though a bit of romance never hurts. Instead it’s a godly love, a God honoring love.
Husbands are to love their wives as God loves us. Just as his love toward us never wavers, so should a husband’s love for his wife. A great place to start is in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6. Do these ten things and you’ll be doing well. Then build upon them.
In the same way, wives should focus on submitting to their husbands. How he responds is up to him and should have no bearing on your submission to him. This, however, is not a blind submission. Just as wives submit to God, they should submit to their husbands.
Therefore, if their husbands want them to do something contrary to the word of God, wives don’t need to submit. In fact, they shouldn’t. The same applies in abusive relationships. Instead of submitting to the whims of an abuser, leave the relationship.
For both husbands and wives, respect your spouse. Don’t say you’ll respect them once they respect you. Instead offer them the respect they deserve, just as the Bible teaches.
When our marriages have God-honoring submission, love, and respect, we strengthen our relationships and obey God.
Peter DeHaan writes about biblical Christianity to confront a status quo faith and live a life that matters. He seeks a fresh approach to following Jesus through the lens of Scripture, without the baggage of made-up traditions and meaningless practices.
Read more in his books, blog, and weekly email updates.
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