Tag: family

Are You a Reliable Witness?

Post author By Peter DeHaan
Post date June 6, 2018

A number of years ago my wife and I were witnesses to road rage—and our car was the victim. As the police officer took our statements, he asked if the assailant walked around the front of our car or the back.

My bride quickly answered “the front” and just as promptly, I replied “the back.”

We gave an incredulous glance to the other, with real concern over the other’s sanity.

I attributed our contradicting testimonies to the trauma of the situation and later wondered if eyewitness testimony in a court of law could really be depended upon with any degree of accuracy.

This has all been brought back to mind with our “52 Churches” journey, where we will be visiting a different Christian church each Sunday for a year.

Each week as we drive home from church and later process our experiences, we all too often recall details differently.

Usually, these are over trivial facts, but occasionally our conflicting observations are over more substantive matters.

It will be pointless for me to suggest who is normally right—especially since my bride will be proofreading this post—so I will declare it to be 50-50.

Do you like this post? Want to read more? Check out Peter’s book, Bridging the Sacred-Secular Divide: Discovering the Spirituality of Every Day Life, available wherever books are sold.

Peter DeHaan writes about biblical Christianity to confront status quo religion and live a life that matters. He seeks a fresh approach to following Jesus through the lens of Scripture, without the baggage of made-up traditions and meaningless practices.

Read more in his books, blog, and weekly email updates.

Tags family, Sacred-Secular Divide

Personal Posts

Is it Time For a Checkup?

In my newsletter a four years ago, I recommended we periodically check our credit reports. This is a wise move in order to correct reporting errors and catch possible identity theft.

Other finance-related initiatives include making an annual budget, having life insurance, establishing an emergency fund, and planning for the future.

On the health front is scheduling appointments with the doctor and dentist. In addition, some people regularly check their pulse or take their blood pressure. Even stepping on the scale is a form of a medical checkup.

Aside from health issues, we regularly have the oil in our car changed and follow recommended maintenance to keep it running great. Many take similar steps with their homes.

I also do periodic checkups on my schedule to avoid over-commitment and guard against under-involvement.

So we take control of our finances, watch our health, care for our possessions, and protect our time, all by preforming regular checkups.

What about Relationships?

I too often take relationships for granted. Either they work or they don’t. But I should be intentional about them, too. I need to do a relationship checkup. Maybe you do, too. In my checkup, I ask these questions:

Am I investing in the relationships that are important to me? Do I seek to make our interactions significant? Do people anticipate spending time with me?
Conversely, am I protecting myself from toxic relationships that demand much, give little, and drag me down?
Am I looking to build relationships with others?
Do I need to remove myself from some relationships?
Am I in any enabling relationships?

Even more important is my relationship with family. They, too, deserve a thorough checkup.

On the spiritual front, is God, the most important relationship of all. Maybe we should do this checkup first.

Do you like this post? Want to read more? Check out Peter’s book, Bridging the Sacred-Secular Divide: Discovering the Spirituality of Every Day Life, available wherever books are sold.

Read more in his books, blog, and weekly email updates.

Tags family, health, money, Sacred-Secular Divide

Christian Living

What’s More Important, Family or Church?

Post author By Peter DeHaan
Post date August 6, 2017
2 Comments on What’s More Important, Family or Church?

We Need to Order Our Priorities With Intention and Do What Matters Most

Whether we realize it or not, we form priorities to order our lives. For most of my adult existence my number one priority has been God.

Though I held this out as my ideal, sometimes, perhaps too often, my actions didn’t live up to this principle, but I did strive to reach it.

Many years ago, I mistakenly included church in the box that should have been reserved for God. As such, I elevated the importance of church to the level of God, effectively making church activity my highest priority.

During that season of my life, whenever the church doors were open, I was there. In addition to attending twice on Sunday, I also served on committees and helped pretty much wherever and whenever someone asked.

As a result I spent two, three, and sometimes even four evenings a week at church fulfilling various roles, commitments, and needs.

When I was busy at church doing these things, my young family was at home—functioning without me. I had mistaken the elevated church activity above family life.

I have long since moved past that church, but my family is still here. They are my priority over church—any church.

If I ever need to choose between church and family, I now choose family.

As far as church activity, aside from the Sunday service, I limit myself to no more than one other commitment—if that. This helps me keep my actions aligned with my priorities.

Yes, God is still the number one priority in my life. But now family comes in second. And they have for a long time, too. Church, however, is further down my list.

God is number one, as he should be. Family comes second. After that is work, writing, and friends. I suppose church activity comes in next. That makes church number six on my priority list. And I think that’s the right place for it to be.

I can’t undo the mistake I made a couple decades ago when I placed church over my family, but I can make sure not to repeat that error again. Not with my wife, not with our children, and not with our grandchildren.

Just because this is how I order my life, doesn’t mean that’s how you need to prioritize yours. But I do encourage you to be intentional, and make a thoughtful determination about what your priorities should be.

The next step is to make your actions align with your ideals.

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Tags church, church attendance, family, priorities

Christian Living

Where Have the Good Men Gone?

Post author By Peter DeHaan
Post date January 24, 2016

Men Flounder When They Lack Godly Examples to Follow

I recently blogged about a felt need I have for a spiritual role model. Although I presently lack one, I have had them in the past. Almost all have been female. That’s not a complaint just an observation.

I’m thankful for these women who have guided me and inspired me, setting an example in how to live as Jesus in today’s society. But where are the guys?

Christian men fall into two extremes. On one end we have the over-the-top adventurer, the adrenaline junkies, delayed adolescence, machismo to the max, men who act like boys, and the fast and furious.

We see this manifest in the size, speed, power, and cost of their toys, an unhealthy preoccupation with sports, and their man caves. This is not God-honoring masculinity as he created men to be.

This is irresponsibility and selfishness. And society has made them this way.

On the other side we see emasculated males. This is graphic but true. They are passive in most all things, especially when it comes to spirituality and family.

They fear reproach, persist in political correctness, and are quiet when they should speak out.

They put on false smiles when their insides are dying. They dare not talk about their struggles, their worries, and their pains.

These men yearn for a respect that eludes them—because their actions don’t deserve it. And the church has made them this way.

So here I am, stuck in the middle, avoiding the first extreme while striving not to get sucked into the second. If only I had someone to show me the way.

I have no solutions to share, but I do have a call to action.

Men

I urge you to avoid both extremes, to seek this middle ground of balancing the world’s macho view with the church’s impotent alternative in order to find a biblical, godly center of maleness.

Women

Encourage the men in your life to pursue what God is calling them to become. Then don’t interfere.

Though nagging and manipulation are an understandable response to inaction, these tactics won’t help and will only worsen the situation. Be part of the solution.

Together we can figure this out. The world needs us to.

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Tags church, family

Christian Living

Life’s an Adventure

Post author By Peter DeHaan
Post date December 2, 2014

Don’t Miss It

For the past four months my wife and I have been living with our kids while we are between houses. In the summer we stowed most of our belongings in a couple of storage pods and loaded the remaining essentials onto a moving van.

As we considered what we would need and what we could do without; practicality took precedence. Most things were deemed nonessential, which is a lesson in itself.

A prime consideration was clothes: summer clothes, fall clothes, and winter clothes. Though half of my clothes are in storage, I’ve mostly forgotten about them and don’t miss what I can’t access.

I also kept out what we needed for work, but not much else. I estimate about 95% of our belongings are presently stashed in some climate controlled warehouse.

When making this transition, my initial impulse was to seek to subsist during this season of in between. But even though this is a temporary situation, I can’t put life on hold just because I lack a permanent place to live.

Sharing a house with another couple (and their three pets) required some adjustments; not having all our stuff resulted in some sacrifices. But those were minor. Things are working out great, even better than we could have hoped.

As we wind down this phase in our lives, I look forward to being in our own house. I also know I’ll miss living with family. Life today is good; life tomorrow will be good, too.

I’ve seen people so focused on what was ahead, that they dismissed the present. I’ve also seen people so living for today, that they disregarded tomorrow.

I think many Christians also make one of these two errors: so focused on a future in heaven that they miss living on earth now or so fixated on life today that they forget eternity is ahead.

We are wise to do both.

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Tags family

Personal Posts

No-Shave November

As a college freshman, my son’s dorm celebrated November by setting aside their shaving gear for the entire month. They called it “No-Shave November.” Though the purpose was to raise cancer awareness, I suspect they just did it for fun.

My son embraced the challenge, relishing the comradery with his dorm mates as they tried to grow beards; his newfound girlfriend accepted his decision.

Three and a half weeks later, he met her family for the first time, a scruffy-faced college student with an unruly mop on top, his appearance must have been questionable. But he won them over and shortly after graduation, became part of their family.

Most every year since, he has observed No-Shave November.

This year he asked me to join him. I surprised him by saying, “Yes!”

“Really, Dad?”

“Sure. Why not?”

This won’t be my first time with a beard. I had one before he was born. I started it in the fall, where it became a warming comfort to the assault of winter’s cold. I persisted through the summer, when it became a hot, scratchy irritant.

But I kept it, looking forward to its warmth the following winter. The next spring, eighteen months after I started, I shaved it off, incrementally over the course of a week.

Today, I didn’t shave, and I plan not to for the rest of the month. As I recall, the first couple of days are itchy, but once I get past those, the rest will be easy. I don’t yet know what I’ll do on December first. I may shave, or I may wait until spring.

The more important thing is enjoying a shared experience with my son. Family is important and anything we do to bond with each other is a good thing.

Regardless of your shaving plans for November, may it be a good month, with great family moments.

Do you like this post? Want to read more? Check out Peter’s book, Bridging the Sacred-Secular Divide: Discovering the Spirituality of Every Day Life, available wherever books are sold.

Read more in his books, blog, and weekly email updates.

Tags family, Sacred-Secular Divide

Visiting Churches

Praying for Church

Say a Pre-Church Prayer

One of the practices my wife and I followed when we visited 52 churches was to pray before we headed out the door.

This seems simple enough and something we should have always done, but praying prior to church was a practice we seldom did, more likely skipping it than remembering.

However, one year of visiting a different church every week taught us to embrace this practice; we depended on it. Indeed, without prayer to prepare the way, disaster would have surely resulted on more than one occasion.

52 Churches: A Yearlong Journey Encountering God, His Church, and Our Common Faith

Almost every week we prayed we would hear what God wanted to teach us. Often we prayed for ways to give back to the people at the churches we visited.

Sometimes we’d pray against fear or apprehension—or even that we could find the church. A few times, I needed to pray for a good attitude. And towards the end, we prayed to fight fatigue and to keep an open mind.

For the 52 churches, we remembered to pray 51 times. (The time we forgot was in rushing to Saturday Mass after squeezing in time with family.)

After experiencing firsthand the benefits of praying before church, we’ve continued this practice, remembering most Sundays. When we expect much at church and pray for it, we usually experience much. The opposite is also true.

If we take the time to go to church, shouldn’t we also take time to pray for a great experience?

[Read about our journey of visiting 52 churches.]

My wife and I visited a different Christian Church every Sunday for a year. This is our story. Get your copy of 52 Churches today, available in ebook, paperback, hardcover, and audiobook.

Read more in his books, blog, and weekly email updates.

Tags 52 Churches, church, family, Mass, prayer

Reviews of Books & Movies

Movie Review: What If…

Post author By Peter DeHaan
Post date December 27, 2013

Reviewed by Peter DeHaan

Each day we make hundreds of decisions, such as getting on a bus or getting off a bus. Some of those choices have lifelong consequences.

Such is the case with Ben Walker (Kevin Sorbo) in the movie What If…. His bus ride sent him on a path in the wrong direction, away from his love Wendy Walker (Kristy Swanson) and the life they planned together.

Fifteen years later, Ben is given a look at the life and love he gave up because of that one bus trip.

What if…he had never gotten on that bus? Things would be completely different. He likes his life now, not the one he turned his back on and the family they could have had.

What if…he could do it over again? Would he? Should he? Can he?

What if… is a delightful tale of contrasting options between what seems attractive and what could be more satisfying. But is it too late to choose? You’ll need to watch What if… to find out.

[Read more reviews by Peter DeHaan of other faith-friendly videos and movies.]

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Tags family, future

Christian Living

The Hornet’s Sting

Post author By Peter DeHaan
Post date December 17, 2013

The Hornet’s Sting

I thought my son had left for work, so he surprised me when he bopped into my office. “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m all right, but…” He went on to say that hornets stung him as he opened his car door.

He showed me the top of his head to prove the severity of their attack. Their nest, we discovered, hung only inches over where he once stood while getting into his car.

After confirming he was indeed okay, he headed off to work, and I planned what to do. That night as dusk descended, I emptied a can of hornet spray into their nest. They buzzed with anger as the poison killed them.

I felt only slight guilt over destroying an entire hive because of what a couple hornets did. After all, it wasn’t a few insects going rogue but the result of an instinct they all bore. Surely, more attacks would follow if I didn’t take decisive action.

Just like the hornets, the things we do can affect those we are aligned with.

Consider the groups, associations, and classes we are part of. If one member does or says something stupid, everyone who is like them can suffer as a result. We are all guilty by association.

This includes political parties, religions, ethnic groups, races, movements, companies, clubs, churches, schools, and so forth.

On September 11, 2001, nineteen men committed an act of terrorism. As a result, one billion people “like” them were maligned, distrusted, and threatened.

It didn’t matter that these nineteen were radical extremists and not representative of the rest of the group, everyone still suffered.

What about the actions of certain protestors or the antics of militants? Everyone who is part of their cause, whether present or not, becomes viewed through the same lens. S

ociety sees everyone associated with them through negative eyes.

Of course, there’s an upside to this as well. By our positive actions and careful words, we can elevate everyone in our group.

May we all aspire to that goal.

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Tags family

Christian Living

Married with Children

Post author By Peter DeHaan
Post date October 13, 2013

Most churches in the United States structure themselves around the nuclear family. The mindset of these churches assumes married couples; their programming assumes children.

While covering the majority of attendees in most congregations, this ignores several overlooked groups.

First, there are childless couples. Some are childless by circumstance.

Each time there’s a plea to serve in the nursery, another couple gets pregnant, or the church celebrates a baby’s arrival, a painful jab reminds them their life lacks something they desperately desire.

For couples who are childless by choice, life at most churches is a constant reminder that they’re different, don’t fit in, and are somehow less than those who procreate.

An even bigger overlooked group is singles. This is not just one category, however. “Singles” is an uninformed label that encompasses all unmarried adults, people with different needs, situations, and perspectives.

Some are single by choice and others by circumstances, be it through death, divorce, or breakup.

Of those who are single because of life’s situations, some earnestly desire a special someone in their life, others are broken and need a place to heal, and a few simply wonder what they should do next.

These singles seek relationship, though for some it is platonic and others it is romantic.

For those single by choice, most of the church doesn’t understand their decision, despite it being a biblically affirmed and even preferred option.

The married with children crowd cannot fathom someone choosing to remain single—and they communicate their bewilderment, either directly or subtly, but always with hurtful and condemning results.

Then are those who struggle with their sexual identity or fall outside traditional expectations. Most churches simply push these folks away, rejecting them by their words or through their actions.

This leaves them with no faith community and the implication that God has no place for them either. Then they seek solace elsewhere and retreat there, often without God.

But God loves all people.

He loves the childless, the single, and the marginalized just as much as he loves the married with children crowd. And we who are married with children need to accept, embrace, and love all people, just as Jesus did.

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Tags children, family